I have just received the best scam email ever.
From time to time I check my junk box, because GMail likes to forward Zynga requests in there, as well as deals at Ben’s Outlet and offers to grow my penis to godly proportions. Today I checked the junk box, and stared at an all-caps subject from a name typed in all caps. I couldn’t pass up a chance at hilarity like this for, oh gosh, safety concerns!
(since the file attached was just a TXT file, I knew viruses wouldn’t be hidden in it, so I clicked to read it. here it is.)
(also, in the attached email, all boldface items added by me)
FROM: ROBERT S. MUELLER III, FBI DIRECTOR <email@example.com>
SUBJECT: FINAL WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND JAILED IF YOU FAIL TO READ THE ATTACHED E-MAIL AND COMPLY
FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
This is the final warning you are going to receive from me, do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you.
We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment details below, then we would first send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the FBI, CIA and other enforcement agency. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not supposed to be working for the government or any private organization.
Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail below. This is the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given a mandate. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties will be seized and bank account will be confiscated too.
You failed to comply with our directives/instruction and that was the reason why we didn’t hear from you, as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the WARRANT OF ARREST has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the FBI director. We have investigated and found out that you didn’t have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information’s/identity and right now your ID is placed on our website as a wanted person, I believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the FBI.
As a good Christian and a Honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information’s was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the EFCC and they directed me to a private attorney who can help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse and stamp the document at the sum of $98 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.
You need to do every possible thing today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 only. *
I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 06/06/2012 so that you could get this process done because i learnt that several e-mails has been sent to you without getting a response from you. Bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it had befallen on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.
NAME: DURU VINCE
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: BETTER
ANSWER: BESTAMOUNT: $98
Senders Full Name:
Sender Full Address:
Direct Phone Number:
Send the payment details to me as stated above and make sure that you didn’t hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd which was supposed to have been transferred to you all this while.
Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try anything funny because you are been watched.
Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation.
Yours in service,
Robert S. Mueller
OK, now first off, where does the director of the FBI decide he’ll just send me an email? And not only that, one that is riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes? My favourite is the fourth paragraph. It is a set of English words loosely tied together to form the semblance of a concise thought, but it is far from an actual English sentence.
I think if the FBI Director was really going to personally send me a warning, it would be through the US Mail, Certified, and with a Return Receipt Confirmation. Also, he would not refer to himself in the third person.
Second, that Nigerian guy that I”ll need to give the money to? Well that’s just the dead giveaway.
Third, the line about being Christian and Honest, laughable because it came after four paragraphs of BS, dripping with the Nigerian Scam dialect. Well, at least if I fell for it, I’d get about $10.50 back. In USD, in case anyone was wondering. Because the head of the FBI may refer to Canadian money, and has to specify USD.
More on this email, from others, at 419eater.
* For this paragraph, I didn’t even know what to highlight. The whole damn thing is priceless!